How embarrassed should you be about your 'Succession' crush?
It’s a question you’ve undoubtedly wrestled with if you’re watching HBO’s buzzy hit Succession: Am I… attracted… to one of these genuine monsters?
Oh God, I absolutely am. (If your honest answer is "no, they are all terrible," congrats on having healthy life boundaries.)
Sniffing out just how embarrassed you should be to find one of these fictional dumbos crushable can be a process: a joke comment to a friend, testing the waters in your Successiongroup chat, an "ironic" tweet Sunday night, etc.
That’s where this guide comes in.
Below, we ranked all the major characters on Successionbased on crush-worthiness, from best to Connor. And just to keep this as objective as possible, we've included a handy-dandy point system to keep track of each character's pros and cons.
Where does your crush fall?
Gerri
J. Smith-Cameron as Gerri Killman on 'Succession'Credit: Graeme Hunter / HBOQuite possibly the smartest person on this entire show +50
Can fix any problem, smooth over any bump, clean up any spill +10
Had judgment-free phone sex with Roman and then moved on with her life. V chill! +5
I mean, she’s still a shitty person, just like everyone else here -10
GERRI'S TOTAL: 55
Cousin Greg
Nicholas Braun as Greg Hirsch on 'Succession'Credit: Peter Kramer / HBOVery tall +5
Has a fun outsider naiveté that keeps things light +10
Smart enough to hold on to some blackmail papers in case he can’t trust Tom +10
Butdumb enough to put his blackmail papers in a folder marked "Secret" -5
Is still pretty horrible, he just seems less horrible compared to everyone else -5
GREG'S TOTAL: 15
Willa
Justine Lupe as Willa on 'Succession'Credit: Zach Dilgard / HBONo amount of money will convince her to be Connor's girlfriend. Attagirl! +20
Writes boring plays you may have to watch -10
And that might give you sand mites(!) -10
Great dresses, great hair +10
WILLA'S TOTAL: 10
Roman
Kieran Culkin as Roman Roy on 'Succession'Credit: Peter Kramer / HBOGerri likes him. That's gotta count for something, right? +10
Admittedly pretty funny in a tense situation +10
Has some sexual hangups you’re going to have to deal with -5
Bullied a kid with a check for a million dollars for the fun of it -10
Definitely does not know how much a gallon of milk costs -5
ROMAN'S TOTAL: 0
Shiv
Sarah Snook as Shiv Roy on 'Succession'Credit: Graeme Hunter / HBOTold her husband immediately after their wedding ceremony that she didn’t think monogamy was for her -10
Not as smart as she thinks she is -5
Still, smarter than most of these bozos +10
Impeccable taste in office wear and haircuts +10
Terrible taste in men -5
SHIV'S TOTAL: 0
Kendall
Jeremy Strong as Kendall Roy on 'Succession'Credit: Graeme Hunter / HBOHE KILLED SOMEONE -100
Terrible father, husband, brother, friend, business partner, boss, employee -20
Literally our waking nightmare because of that time he gutted Vaulter -10
Jeremy Strong is an incredible actor tho +10
Other people also have this trash crush so you’re not alone +15
He’s just... so sad, you guys +100
KENDALL'S TOTAL: -5
Nan Pierce
Cherry Jones as Nan Pierce on 'Succession'Credit: Peter Kramer / HBOPlayed by the legendary Cherry Jones +10
Her family seems to like her more than the Roys like Logan +5
However, her family seems almost as terrible as the Roys -20
Her news organization reports actual news, which is more than we can say for some news organizations around here +5
Probably loves Downton Abbeyfor the exact wrong reasons-10
NAN'S TOTAL: -10
Stewy
Arian Moayed as Stewy Hosseini on 'Succession'Credit: Peter Kramer / HBOUnlike some people, did not have a major business deal derailed by a drug-fueled car accident that led to the death of an innocent person +5
Made a half-hearted attempt to reach out to Kendall as a friend +5
Always looks sharp! +10
Maybe toosharp? Is this like a Patrick Bateman situation? -10
Also, that major business deal hasn’t actually gone anywhere yet -20
STEWY'S TOTAL: -10
Rhea
Holly Hunter as Rhea Jarrell on 'Succession'Credit: Peter Kramer / HBOSmart enough to get on a winning train +5
Sly enough to play both sides in case she picked the wrong train +5
Maybe hooking up with Logan Roy -5
Absolutely do not trust this lady under any circumstances -20
RHEA'S TOTAL: -15
Logan
Brian Cox as Logan Roy on 'Succession'Credit: Graeme Hunter / HBOExtremely rich +20
Creative enough to invent Boar on the Floor +15
Powerful enough to make other people play Boar on the Floor +10
Just watchingBoar on the Floor was the worst thing that’s ever happened to us and we weren’t even there -20
Is so emotionally abusive that you actually start to feel sorry for the sentient dung heaps he calls his children -50
LOGAN'S TOTAL: -25
Tom
Matthew Macfadyen as Tom Wambsgans on 'Succession'Credit: Zach Dilgard / HBODead ringer for Mr. Darcy from Pride & Prejudice+5
Makes a sincere, if self-serving, effort with Shiv +20
Broke the Fly Guy code -10
Two words: human furniture -10
Not powerful enough to get into the real safe room -20
Total Wife Guy -15
TOM'S TOTAL: -30
Nate
Ashley Zukerman as Nate Sofrelli on 'Succession'Credit: Ursula Coyote / HBOCares enough about the world to work with do-gooder politicians +10
But you just knowhe’s the kind of politics nut who tries to get you to listen to a podcast -15
Someone thinks he's a lot sexier than he is -10
Shiv tried playing with him. He broke. -10
Blatantly cheating on his fiancée -10
NATE'S TOTAL: -35
Connor
Alan Ruck as Connor Roy on 'Succession'Credit: Ursula Coyote / HBOPretty house in New Mexico +5
Maybe the dumbest person on the entire show -50
A generous patron of the arts, at least if they're arts created by Willa +5
Keeps asking his escort to be his girlfriend and she keeps turning him down -20
An out-of-touch billionaire running for president on a whim -500 million
CONNOR'S TOTAL: -500,000,060
Successionis streaming now on HBOMax.
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